When The Demons Come
I am currently on holiday in 42 degree heat. I am seeing people on social media complain that the weather is in the thirties in Britain, and it makes me smile. I am the total opposite and revelling in the Vitamin D!
I have never been one for conformity and I have always questioned everything. I want to know how and why and where or I cant really get interested in something.
The difficulty with this is the majority of people aren't like this, they are happy to ride the waves as smoothly as they can, without trying to reach the pinnacle of the largest wave. Sadly this is not me.
I wonder sometimes whether it's my blunt south African roots, or my adopted east end ones, but I am straight talking and like answers. This again is not truly the British way, people in my experience are more likely to smile and nod in your face here, while plunging the knife in your back when it's turned.
Holidays are awesome as it's time to truly rest and gain perspective. The flip side is you have a lot of time to think and the egoic mind rarely helps you feel good about yourself. Especially if you are not drinking to stop the endless chatter in your mind.
I have recently been thinking about a childhood friend who promised me that he would be the person to call in the night when I was stranded, and that no matter what, he would be there for our friendship. That we would be there for each other.
Despite attempts to strike a conversation with him, he remains aloof and disinterested despite a nigh-on twenty year friendship. It was not without incident our friendship and when our group split and I vowed to move away from one toxic friendship which he wanted to keep, I didn't expect him to drop me out as well!
It was easier for him to move on too I guess, and that he did. It hurts me and I am left wondering why I'm not ever good enough. Have you been here before?
In this situation, you have to remember that there are a multitude of reasons why this is not your fault, despite your egoic brain telling you it has to be you, 'this is just like ALL of those other situations where YOU were in the wrong, eh?'
Yeah, that dude lives in all of us. He's wrong. People change. We just have to convince ourselves that it's not, which is the hard part.
I have no idea of what the struggle my old friend is going through. I do know he is a lazy bugger, as am I, which could be at the heart of it. It is true too that he has probably been led to believe some things that aren't helpful too.
So I remain upbeat and convinced this is the prime of my life, the fertile void where ideas blossom into creative ventures. I am sober and have been for 90 percent of this year.
But missing my old friend is a stark reminder to us all that the demons are never far away and despite being a boiling hot modern metropolis, sadness is always one wrong turn away.
Stay happy, stay positive but remember to reach out and talk to someone, anyone, (even me!) if the dark thoughts surface.
Everyone makes mistakes and wishes they handled certain events in their lives differently. You however, are not your mistakes and never will be.
Lots of love, stay
safe and hydrated. 💙💜⚒️